#findyourwings: Day 79 Kickin’ Up Mud
It is officially mud season here in CT. There is still several inches of snow on the ground but the temperatures are high enough to slowly melt it all. The water has saturated the ground and my driveway, my yard and the sides of my car are caked in mud. We are talking the squishy, stuck in it, peanut butter style mud that traps you like fly paper.
There is a heaviness that can render you still.
While I realize this muddy sloshing is part of the flow of seasons, it also can be a struggle. Nothing is ever clean, you cannot drive fast and everything looks sort of a dull, blah brown shade. It is hard to feel inspired to get up and move, let alone go outside and fly.
Sometimes the choices we make off the mat and on it can have that same heavy, sludgy feel. Moving forward or sideways can feel impossible because of commitments and priorities that weigh us down. While we accept where we are and we embrace our connections and responsibilities most days, there are other times we feel stuck in the mud.
There is an eagle in me that wants to soar, and there is a hippopotamus in me that wants to wallow in the mud.
- Carl Sandburg
I am having one of those days where I realize that I cannot do all the things I would like to for myself and yet many of the reasons why are self imposed. I want to do another long teacher training, but every one I explore is prohibitive either in time (too many days away from my family in a row), or location. I want to lead a longer retreat but again time creates issues. I struggle with shifting some of my responsibilities outside of my family for fear of losing opportunities and yet sticking feels like I am also missing chances. Decisions are impossible to find when it comes to my own personal career, practice and growth.
I need a jacked up 4 x 4 of answers to drag myself out of this mud!
Yet, at the same time I would not change a thing: being available to the elves for support when they are younger. Not wanting to miss the surprise wiggly tooth the youngest elf lost yesterday. Being flexible for my guy if he needs to work extra hours or write more grants. Playing tooth fairy and writer and mom and yoga teacher and wife and Nancy all within the same 24 hour period. These are choices I have consciously made.
I have walked into this mud.
Spring is time of renewal, of clearing the clutter and redoing things that were not working during the darker days of winter. These processes are not simple, nor easy and least of all they require tossing and rearranging. They can be slippery, sticky and thick.
Renewal requires and creates mud.
The real question remains how to proceed though those murky, sticky patches. I am working on this question and how to gain the things I need for myself while at the same time acknowledging that part of those requirements are to be giving up exactly what I need for the other people in my life. That was a long sentence, dear readers, to say: it is not easy because the burden and the joy are the same.
The green grass and flowers are currently existing mud. You must have one to have the other.
I wish I knew the answer of how to juggle all the things successfully; how to be totally fulfilled and moving forward in all areas of life at the same time. Until I figure it out I will plug along: driving slowly through the gooey parts, getting on my mat to help me move through them and perhaps kicking up some mud.
p.s. how about this video? wow is all…